Thankful.

Suddenly I find myself on the eve of holiday season and it feels like this year has gone by so fast. And at the same time, so dang sloooowww. These are the days of excited screams and hugs when Dad pulls up into the driveway, (and I) simultaneously boil inside when hes two minutes late. A year ago, Bryce was in the front pack and now the belt on the shopping cart barely fits around him. A year ago Luke had just transitioned to his toddler bed and now I'm browsing twin beds and comforter sets.

For the most part I can see the silver linings of the drama in toddlerhood. Cody reminded me the other day how much he admires that quality in me. I believe one day their fiascoes will actually be funny. Right now I just have to breathe. The horrible public embarrassment and bewilderment at the temper tantrums doesn't go away. I really impressed myself today with how calm I was able to be while a certain son screamed his brains out in the grocery line. I only needed a cantaloupe. Breathe. But then we got home and I couldn't get the shrink wrap off my new box of green tea. Mom's turn to cry. 

One of my biggest fears is becoming burnt out and indifferent to my kids meltdowns. Where is that balance between 'get over it' and helping them work through their feelings? The answer seems to change minute to minute. So crying over tea assures me that my heart is still beating and sensitive. And I'm thankful for that. Thankful for the times I cry out to God for help. Asking for energy. For forgiveness. Without my kids, I might not have learned how fervently I need the Lord in my life. I might not have learned how to turn the other cheek and begin anew (again and again) day after a day full of tantrums and bullying one another. And then just when I think the sun has imploded and won't ever shine again, they laugh. They share. They eat a piece of broccoli. I might even get a hug or two before it becomes a wrestling match with me in the middle. 

Luke says the funniest things and wants to kiss me on the lips. Bryce is happiest in my arms and presses his cheek to my lips when he wants a kiss. We love peanut butter and listening to Dad play guitar. Highs and lows they are my family. I could pull my hair out over them and then turn around and go to war for them. Everyone says I'll miss these days, and truthfully I'm not so sure about that! They are definitely precious moments but so far each stage of their lives is my new favorite. Each new ability brings excitement and another possible way to end up in the ER. Lord please have mercy and don't let us grow out of naptime quite yet.

Heart Full & Hands Full

As a parent you get asked all kinds of questions on a regular basis. Especially if you want more kids and in our case, if we want to try for a girl. I usually (jokingly?) reply that I might not survive another child. I realize that I am not the first person to have two kids and a huge part of our population actually has more than two kids--and I am thoroughly impressed with you. Cody and I were both sure we wanted more than two originally but now we are just so in love (and tired) with our two. We agreed to not make a definite decision until Bryce turns two. Having this decision on hold has been really freeing for us, instead of playing the what-if game on square footage and seat-belts we are just absorbing the beauty in our hands right now. Its really a refreshing thing. When Luke was a baby we dreamed of future siblings for him. Since Bryce has joined us, our puzzle feels complete. Our hearts are full and our hands are full. 

A few weeks (maybe months actually..) I was curious if I was really as busy as I felt I was. So I started jotting down my 'day in the life'...

5:30AM- Mumble "I love you, be safe, bye" to Cody as he leaves for work

6AM- Luke is at my bedside staring me down to see any clue of wakefulness. Climbs into bed and snuggles like a fish out of water. 

6:10- Snuggle time complete (thankfully no black eyes) and the running of the hall has begun since Bryce is babbling. Luke makes sure to relay the messages ("Mom seeping" & "Byce wake up")

6:30- Diaper changes and morning milk. Fumble through making toast. Drink room temperature coffee while reading books, hot wheeling and cushioning falls. 

7:30- Bryce is cranky. Luke wants to scale the walls. 

8AM- Party in the bathroom while I try to put my face on. It starts to rain.

8:30- Loaded into the car. Not sure where we are going but Luke is crazy hyper and Bryce wants to sleep. Not a good combo for a our cozy space on a rainy day.

9:10AM- Wind up at Chick-fil-A for coffee. Stumble through the door and greeted by happy families in unwrinkled clothes.  

9:45AM- Kids have been enjoying themselves and I got to drink some (hot) coffee. Feeling like I've done something right until Luke poops and I realize I forgot the wipes. Considered using the purel hand wipes because things were just beginning to go so well. 

10:10- Strapped in and loaded into the car heading home. Bryce falls alseep in the car seat and I successfully transfer him to the crib without waking him. So awesome! Decide to throw Luke into the shower instead of using 40 wipes to clean him.

11AM- Its still raining. Set up play tent and crawl tubing so its like Chick-fil-A came to us. Sorta. 

After this was getting Luke down for a nap then Bryce waking up and more juggling and I stopped writing things down because I'm sure you can imagine. It was more an experiment for myself anyhow. There's the whole "stop the glorification of busy" but I guess that doesn't apply to moms. Well maybe in some circumstances but I did want to see if I am as busy as I feel. The answer is definitely yes. Hands full and hearts full.