Suddenly I find myself on the eve of holiday season and it feels like this year has gone by so fast. And at the same time, so dang sloooowww. These are the days of excited screams and hugs when Dad pulls up into the driveway, (and I) simultaneously boil inside when hes two minutes late. A year ago, Bryce was in the front pack and now the belt on the shopping cart barely fits around him. A year ago Luke had just transitioned to his toddler bed and now I'm browsing twin beds and comforter sets.
For the most part I can see the silver linings of the drama in toddlerhood. Cody reminded me the other day how much he admires that quality in me. I believe one day their fiascoes will actually be funny. Right now I just have to breathe. The horrible public embarrassment and bewilderment at the temper tantrums doesn't go away. I really impressed myself today with how calm I was able to be while a certain son screamed his brains out in the grocery line. I only needed a cantaloupe. Breathe. But then we got home and I couldn't get the shrink wrap off my new box of green tea. Mom's turn to cry.
One of my biggest fears is becoming burnt out and indifferent to my kids meltdowns. Where is that balance between 'get over it' and helping them work through their feelings? The answer seems to change minute to minute. So crying over tea assures me that my heart is still beating and sensitive. And I'm thankful for that. Thankful for the times I cry out to God for help. Asking for energy. For forgiveness. Without my kids, I might not have learned how fervently I need the Lord in my life. I might not have learned how to turn the other cheek and begin anew (again and again) day after a day full of tantrums and bullying one another. And then just when I think the sun has imploded and won't ever shine again, they laugh. They share. They eat a piece of broccoli. I might even get a hug or two before it becomes a wrestling match with me in the middle.
Luke says the funniest things and wants to kiss me on the lips. Bryce is happiest in my arms and presses his cheek to my lips when he wants a kiss. We love peanut butter and listening to Dad play guitar. Highs and lows they are my family. I could pull my hair out over them and then turn around and go to war for them. Everyone says I'll miss these days, and truthfully I'm not so sure about that! They are definitely precious moments but so far each stage of their lives is my new favorite. Each new ability brings excitement and another possible way to end up in the ER. Lord please have mercy and don't let us grow out of naptime quite yet.